The Midsomer Hoist

By Ian Kimber                6 January 2004  (with some apologies to the TV series)

Someone was digging a grave in one corner of the cemetery as I went through the Lych Gate. 

The gate was typical of the many Midsomer villages built of warm local stone and weathered oak and had an air of sombre beauty on this dull damp autumn day.  At least the church tower would give us a bit of shelter from the wind and drizzle.

A few feet away from the grave some temporary posts and plastic tape fenced off a heap of rubble.  Only a short time ago the whole area would have been fenced off as a crime scene because, by a bizarre coincidence, Jack Boyd was to be buried almost on the spot where he died. I had been called in to investigate his violent death.  Jack had been struck down by a single blow to the back of his head from a large building stone presumably from the nearby heap of rubble.  Death must have been virtually instantaneous.

It was not surprising that Jack was there though, because next to the new grave was another relatively new and neatly kept grave.  This was Jack's wife, Marilyn who had died only a year or two after they had moved into The Court.

The path through the Graveyard provided an important short cut between the main older part of the village and a group of five large Victorian houses. "The Court" was by far the largest and best of these relative newcomers to the ancient village.  Jack's death had been discovered and reported quickly to the police by one of the other residents of these houses.  The news must have travelled fast, because surprisingly, the office had received three phone calls from residents of the other houses offering information well before the normal house to house crew got going.

After a quick look at the body and location I let the Scene of Crime Officers get on with their forensic work and went through to the old part of the village for a chat in the local shop.  As always the elderly lady running the shop and post office was a real mine of background information.

The Boyds had moved into the village a few years ago as part of Jack's plans for retirement. Both Jack and his wife were true cockneys and proud of it.  Real rough diamonds.  Jack was some sort of property developer and builder over in east London at one time the properties he worked with would have been considered as slums but recently they'd started to move up market and he had clearly made a lot of money.

The shopkeeper said that the reason Jack had chosen this village for his retirement was that he had been evacuated there during the war.  He had lived in one of the worst cottages and had an idyllic time with the urchins on the wrong side of the church. He had always planned to come back and live there when he made it good.  "Funny though" she said, "I was around at the time but can't remember him.  He was probably just another brat running round. I had much more interesting things to do with the soldiers stationed at Netherbourne Manor," she said with a wicked grin.

The purchase of the house had been a bit of a local talking point.  After the death of the old Colonel, who had always been considered as the head of the village, all four of the main residents of that part of the village were involved in an unseemly rush to buy The Court. There was some very bitter wrangling going on, when in came Jack Boyd with an offer that was way over the top and could not be refused.  The rest of the villagers had seen this as being a competition for "top dog" and did not want any of the local contenders to get the prize.  "They're a weird lot, she said, "nice as pie to your face and each other in the open but scheming and fighting underneath."

The approval of Jack's arrival was cut short when a year or two after he arrived news got out of the Netherbourne Manor theme park project.  Jack said he thought that the new employment opportunities close to that side of the village would benefit the residents but they just saw it as a commercial invasion crowding out their quieter way of life.

There was also the furore over Marilyn's grave.  There were very few plots left in the cemetery but it looked as if Jack had bought his way in by offering to do all the essential repairs to the church at his own cost when one of the spikes on the tower fell down in the big storm.  Mind you Alf Stubbs the local builder and uncrowned leader of the "real" village had still got the job, despite his leadership of the opposition to the Theme Park project.

I then went round to the Vicarage.  That’s where I found out a lot more about Marilyn's sad death.  Jack was still away for a lot of the time and party girl Marilyn who was much younger than Jack, was lost on her own in the countryside.  However once the initial hostilities had been got over with, Jack and Marilyn socialised very well with their neighbours and they all rallied round to keep her "entertained" when he was away.  Unfortunately this entertainment consisted mostly of feeding Marylin's drinking habits and this had probably caused her untimely death. In their swimming pool.

"It's very sad" the vicar said ""If she had been able to make friends down at the Dog and Duck she'd have found much more kindred spirits and would probably have been alive now but the neighbours just seemed to stifle her with bonhomie."

Shortly after this, Jack appeared to lose interest in his London businesses and had taken up the Netherbourne Hall project.  Forming the theme park promotion company "Happy Days" to develop and market the ideas.  Although he was by far the biggest shareholder the prospect of large profits had persuaded the neighbours to put money into the scheme.

The vicar pointed out that Alf was working on the roof that morning and would have seen and heard what was going on. He then gave me his address as my next port of call, but I found him in the pub. He had probably had a more than usually liquid lunch drinking double whisky chasers with his pints.  The results of his drinking had thrown him into a very morose and uncommunicative state. All he would say was,  "I was sitting on the tower roof having my morning coffee break.  I heard a bit of a thump but didn’t think much of it.  That is until all the yelling and shouting a few minutes later then I looked over the edge and saw the body".   "I couldn’t agree with what he was trying to do with the village but that's all over now."  "If he had to go, there was as good a place 'cos he really loved that girl"

I warned him not to leave the area and suggested we talked more the following morning when he might be feeling a bit better.

Before I left the office for the village the following morning I checked through the other statements that had been gathered and the first information on the post mortem.  This showed that death was due to a single blow from a building stone nearby. It also said that Jack had an advanced and inoperable tumour that was going to kill him in a few weeks at most and his sudden death in this way could well be a blessed release from what would have been a very painful and unpleasant end.

The main gist of the information from the interviews with the neighbours including the one that found the body was rather unusual in that all four stories were very similar but different in a subtle way.  Put in a nutshell it appeared to say that they could see that their neighbours had opportunity and time to commit the murder but the person with the best chance was Alf Stubbs who was working on the repair of the church.

A brief SOCO report clarified things a lot and I rushed off to Alf's House to complete my interview.  Alf was a lot happier this morning and said that he had at last received a letter confirming the decisions of the local planning office not to allow the "Happy Days" Theme Park development because the later plan for the property offered the best solution to maintaining the manor locally.

After a brief discussion I said "I know it's raining but could you come to the scene of the death and explain to me what you understand happened"   "Of course" he said "but I don’t think I can be much help now.  They're such a close lot over there" They fight like cats between themselves but when it them and us you know…They all close ranks.  "That's all right I just need the full story," I said

As we walked down the path we could see that Jack's neighbours were already there.  My officers accompanied them as I had instructed.  "You're very quick on the job" I remarked to the Sexton. "It was all part of the arrangement" he said  "he as going to be buried with her and I had the spare time now you've released the site"

The news must have got round that something was going on because there were quite a lot of people stand in round within earshot of the activity  "Right, before we start this reconstruction of yesterday's events I would like Alf to tell you what He knows.  OK tell them ALL of it Alf"

Alf started "I didn’t realise that Jack and I had been friends when we were children until I came in close contact with him at the Netherbourne Manor protest meetings.  When Jack knew that we really didn’t like his ideas he said that he really wanted to benefit the village but couldn't at the moment withdraw from his public plans.  So he secretly helped us to put together another plan that would use his money to endow the house and improve the jobs in the Village and give full access to the lands forever.  Today I'm glad to say that I received a letter to say that this plan has been accepted and The "Happy Days" theme park is a dead duck.  Jack knew that this would mean that the company would fold and he would lose his investment with the other shareholders but he didn't seem to mind.  You lot will have known about this for days and you have all lost a lot of money so I wouldn’t put it past you wanting to do him in."

"Jack told me that he hadn't long to go but he'd kept it secret from everyone else because he didn’t want to risk the plan but he said he's left ample provisions to ensure it will go ahead.  He also told me that he had worked out only too late and had evidence of your "killing by kindness" plot to persuade him to leave the village"

"Yesterday while I was having my coffee break I heard a thump and realised that a stone may have shifted fallen off a pile that I had hoisted to the top of the tower and thought nothing of it until all the screaming and shouting.  I looked over the edge to see that by a freak accident the stone had bounced off the Buttress and Killed Jack instantly while he was at his wife's grave.  It was probably a blessed relief but I still felt terrible, it was my responsibility I admit it.  So I went and drowned my sorrows."

"Thank you, Alf" I said "To confirm Alf's story the SOCO team agree totally with what he says and a reconstruction is not really necessary but I have one final thing to say to you.  Your statements are a matter of record. and will be kept.  The detailed way in which each of you tries in your statement to put the blame on the others, whilst trying to prove your own innocence, shows that you all had this "murder" in your hearts. It is you that will have to live with that for the rest of your lives" 

I turned and walked away through the rain.